


My Chosen

by AddisonZhang



Series: The Man I Know [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkward Conversations, Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Embarrassment, Eren has some self-control for once, Eren trying to defend Levi's character, First Love, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Levi's Past, M/M, Mikasa hates Levi, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Secret Relationship, Sentimental!Eren, Smut and Angst, The Underground, Time Travel, ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-07-14 17:49:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7184009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonZhang/pseuds/AddisonZhang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set approximately one month after "My Soldier."</p>
<p>With all of Eren's friends in the Survey Corp, Levi and Eren's relationship is at risk of being discovered. While Eren continues to sporadically travel back into Levi's past, Levi fears for his reputation, position, and life should anyone discover them. Meanwhile, the relationship goes to deeper levels as it is tested. </p>
<p>Rated for traumatic flashbacks into Levi's horrible past, graphic M/M sexual situations, and lots of language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's back! Thank you so much to all of you who have anxiously awaited the continuation of this story. I cannot promise weekly updates, but I'll try to keep this story going as long as I can. :)

“Shhh shh it’s ok now,” I whisper softly, trying to settle Levi’s quivering shoulders under my fingers. I can feel all of the tendons and the long, thin collarbones twitching with each angry sob that Levi is trying to contain. “I’ve got you,” I assure him. I shift my body to support his small frame better, in case he needs it.

It is the day that Kenny Ackerman killed Sammy. I had arrived in Levi’s pathetic little Underground home, only to find it empty. No one home. Sitting and waiting for Levi to show up is always nerve-wracking. It gives me too much time to wonder what situation I’m about to encounter.

This time it’s Levi, age 17 or 18, coming home on the knife’s edge between fury and complete emotional despair. His face is tight and swollen from a fresh beating and his shoulder hunches down to nurse bruised ribs on the left side. I had to bite back my own rage at that. Kenny always liked to kick him, he’d told me on many occasions. After beating them down, Kenny loved kicking the shit out of his boys.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about my commanding officer over the years, it’s that he can take more shit than anyone in the world and keep a straight face. He _always_ tries to contain it, but this time he’s failing.

“I hate him! I fucking—“ He chokes on it, the anger is too raw. His shoulders buck forward with it, making him twitch out of my grasp. “He did it like it was nothing! Like Sammy hasn’t been with him his entire life!” His hair flicks wildly away from his face with every manic shake of his head. Kenny has put Levi through personal hell, but killing Sammy is too much, apparently.

The older boy had never been a friend to Levi, per say. He was brash and vain—a fool. But he was a human life none the less.

“Levi—“ I venture, but he’s not ready to listen.

“No, no, he’s—“ He waves a stiff and trembling finger around and licks his lips, turning this way and that, needing to direct his anger but finding nothing to satisfy him. It builds and builds until he breaks down. He squeezes his eyes closed and cries through clenched teeth. When he starts to fall, I help him sit down beside me. “I’m gonna kill him. I swear to god.”

“Yeah,” I say, “we will.” I give his arm a tough squeeze— _I’m with you—_ and nod at him until he nods back strong.

“Yeah. Fucking kill ‘im.”

“We will.”

“When?” There’s no budging in his expression—he’s back to steel now, tears already vanishing from his eyes. He’s right: this monster needs to die, and I’ve been itching to do it for a long time. To finally rid Levi’s world of Kenny Ackerman would be a blessing—not just for him personally, but for the entire Underground population. If we plan this right, we could succeed. I know it.

It’s when my lips part to speak that I realize I’ve gone slow. Everything is turning cold and thick as the oil of time drags me back.

“When?” he repeats, far away.

_Not yet,_ I think, annoyed. I just got here! We have to plan! I have to help him! I try desperately to blink and clear my vision as the darkness grows thicker, but I’m so slow that by the time my eyes open again I’m already back.

It always takes me a few moments to adjust once I arrive, whether coming or going. The search for Levi is the only thing that orients me through time. Here I find him right away, lying beside me. His black head of hair looks shiny and soft, bits of it strewn over the white pillow.

_Thank god,_ I think, coming back to my senses. He is facing away from me, asleep. I roll closer to him, carefully situating my top arm over his side and breathing in the smell of him. Black tea and linen. So different from how he smelled just moments before…

“When was it this time?” Not asleep. He doesn’t even sound tired. I wonder vaguely as I trace circles onto his side if he had been awake long, just waiting patiently for me to return from his past.

I swallow before speaking. It’s normal to us now—talking like this, as if it’s not completely insane—but I still feel like some of these topics are too sensitive. The things I see and the things we do, both in the past and in the present, are far from casual conversation.

When I do speak, I’m careful to keep my voice soft and steady. “It was the day Sammy died.” I can feel more than see Levi nod into the pillow. He makes a long exhale. I wish I could see his face. He probably turned away from me on purpose, knowing that I’d been somewhere sensitive this time.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask in the silence that follows.

“Tch. Cheeky brat.” Levi rolls over in a second and plants his mouth firmly onto mine. He tastes like mint, which answers my question. He’s been up for ever, then.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble into his mouth. He’d complained about it before: that I’m loud and tend to sleep talk. “I always wake you up.”

Levi pulls his head away slightly and settles into the crook of my neck. “It’s fine. But if you slack off during our training maneuvers today, I’m going to beat the shit out of you in front of everyone, understand?”

I can’t help but chuckle at that. Lately, Levi has been giving me a hard time in front of the other Survey Corp members. He says it’s disciplinary, because I’m a lousy soldier, but I’m pretty sure that he only does it to diffuse any suspicions that people may have about us. Which—being that my friends have finally joined us on the field—is becoming a major concern.

“You’re not going to be laughing when my foot’s in your mouth,” Levi gripes, starting to get restless in my arms. “Now get off of me and go get ready for the day,” he orders. I obey with a groan.

I hate to leave in the morning. It’s the worst part of the day. To untangle myself from him, to leave our sanctuary and go about my day having to pretend that I had never even been there is like torture. But I can endure it for him.

For him, I could endure anything.

I have to stop in the doorway as I go, I can’t help it. “Heichou?”

“Hmm?” He has his back to me, putting on clothes. I can’t help but stare at the muscular lines of his body.

“Did we kill Kenny?” The way his body tenses up is answer enough, but he tells me anyway.

“No.”

* * *

 

By the time we get our first break from training, we’re all physically wiped out. Jean is sitting in the shade of a big tree, resting his head on his knees. Armin is doubled over, close to vomiting. Connie and Sasha are lying in the grass, their chests heaving in disjointed rhythms. Even Mikasa is notably sweating.

Levi wasn’t kidding, he’s not anyone’s favorite person today. This was the training from hell, and I was getting it worst of all.

“Fucking prick,” Jean coughs out, still trying to get his lungs back. “I thought we were done with boot camp.”

I shoot him a frustrated little glance, which he could take as an agreement rather than a reprimand.  

Some of the older Survey Corp members walk by us in a cluster, chuckling as they go. The tallest one, who I recognize from my first few days here, calls out in a jerky, sing-song voice, “Welcome to the Survey Corp, kiddies! He’s a charmer.”

I manage what I hope looks like a confident wave in their direction, despite how my heavy and drooping my limbs are feeling. Being that I’ve been here the longest out of us younger soldiers, I know everyone at least a little and I’m actively trying to be a more pleasant, likable person. I know that a lot people are wary of me—considering my condition—so I can’t afford to be as brash as I used to be.  

Mikasa’s terse words bring me back to the group of younger soldiers, “Who does he think he is, treating you like garbage?”

“Huh? Who?”

“Levi _Heichou_ ,” she spits his title like a curse and I feel my face flush. Before I can think of something to say in his defense, Armin pipes up from behind me,

“Well, he is Humanity’s Strongest, Mikasa.”

“Humanity’s Meanest, maybe,” Connie sighs.

“Humanity’s Snarkiest, most Self-Absorbed, you mean,” Jean counters, sounding a bit more sure of his breaths now.

“He treats you like trash,” Mikasa comes again, her tone even more dark and monotone than before, which is never a good sign. “I wanted to kill him at your trial. And now to finally get back to you and see how he treats you—like a monster!” She shakes her head, swallows, and starts again. “He looks at you like you’re an animal. It’s unbelievable!”

I shake my head. “He’s…” What can I say in his defense that Levi wouldn’t be angry if he overheard? He’s always on me about keeping our relationship an absolute secret. “He’s not bad, Mikasa. He’s the Lance Corporal. He’s just doing his job to help protect humanity. It’s not fair for us to question him.”

Apparently that isn’t a believable argument coming from me, because she takes a step closer, her eyes baring into me as she lowers her voice. “Are you ok, Eren? Tell me. If he hurt you over this past month, I’ll make him pay.”

“No! No, he hasn’t. I’m fine, Mikasa. Really.” _As if you could…_

The bend in her mouth tells me just how dissatisfied she is with all of my answers, but I don’t want to give her any more time to question me about him. I turn back to the group and suggest that we go get some water to drink before training starts up again. Connie and Jean come with me.

It’s a long walk through the HQ grounds to get to the well and we’re tired. I could that feel my body has been heating up to regenerate, making my muscles mend and grow stronger. The cut on my face from one of Levi’s disciplinary lashings is already gone, too. But the other two are not as quick to bounce back as I am, and they make themselves feel better by grumbling—mostly about Levi.

“He’s a hell of a lot worse than the other commanders. He’s fucking cold, man!” Connie complains a little too loudly.

“Yeah, well they say he was a mob boss in the Underground,” Jean says, much more quietly. “You can’t expect him to be civil.”

“You’d think they’d have a better screening process for the military. I didn’t think I’d have a thug as my commanding officer.”

_That’s it_ , “He’s the best damn soldier in the world,” I start. It comes out in a baited growl, but Jean talks right over me, saying,

“If there were a screening system, you’d be back in the fields, too, Connie. And no way Eren makes it in, either.”

At that, Connie laughs and gives me a friendly elbow to the ribs. “Oi, Eren. Has he been riding you this hard since you got here? Or just putting on a show for us?”

My stomach does a flip. “Uh…” That’s too close for comfort. I can feel my face turning pink as they smile and watch me, waiting for a joking response to a joking question.

“Oi! Eren!”

It’s Levi’s voice from afar. I have to hold back my sigh of relief. Where is he? I look along the fields until my eyes finally find him, stalking toward us, looking genuinely miffed. Oh, well. He could come over here and punch me in the face and I would be thrilled that he showed up to save me from this conversation.

“Break time is over,” he is snarling. His steel grey eyes show nothing up disdain for us all. “Get your good-for-nothing asses back to the training field. Or do you want to let your comrades get eaten by Titans while they stand around waiting for you all day?”

“Sorry, sir,” Jean mutters, turning back at once.

“Tch.”

“I’m sorry, Heichou,” I say as I pass him. I keep my head down as I go, knowing that if I risk looking at him he’ll be mad at me tonight.

And tonight, I need him to be in a good mood.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get it on~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what?--fuck it, I'm posting this now. I was gonna wait a week or two but it's been a long time coming and I just want to put it out there. This is basically all smut and it's my first consensual smut chapter, so hopefully it's not complete garbage. I really hope you guys like <3

By the time we’re done with training for the day, I’m exhausted and the rest of my friends are even worse off. In fact, they’re so tired that their backhanded comments about Levi have stopped, which I’m thankful for. It had been a long, long day between Levi’s unending orders, his complete dismissal of me, and all of the things I had to listen to them say about him without being able to talk back.

No one talks to each other throughout dinner.

When we head off in different directions for bed, Armin gives me a gentle pat on the back and says, “Goodnight, Eren.” Mikasa gives me a profound look, telling me that she’s still worried about Levi harming me.

“I’m good, Mikasa,” I smile. “Really. Night, see you guys tomorrow.”

I walk to my room as quickly as I can manage, wanting to wash up and change. Levi always wants me to clean up before I come to his room. I can understand why. If I had grown up in such filth, feeling so dingy and inadequate all the time, I would try to stay put together, too.

I hurry into my room, strip my clothes off, and wash up, using the lukewarm water from the bucket I brought in this morning and the fresh rag I took from the laundry on my way back from dinner. I’m sore but I know that I’ll be back to normal soon and I’m not letting some sore muscles get in the way tonight. I make sure to wash all the smelly parts really good—I don’t want Levi to have anything to complain about.

Tonight’s the night. I’ve been waiting and waiting for over a month now.

As soon as I’m fresh and clean to Heichou’s standards, I pull on a new shirt and trousers. At the door, I peer out to make sure that no one is still roaming about the halls. All clear. A smile creeps up on my lips as I slip out into the hall and walk to Levi’s quarters.

He answers the door shirtless, with just a pair of soft, sleep pants on. His hair is wet and muffed up. _Just got done washing._ I don’t wait for him to say hello or invite me in—he gave me enough orders already today. I grab his head, one hand on each side and walk him backward with my kiss. It’s a deep, strong kiss that sets Levi off guard. I can tell by the hitch in his breath and the way his hand comes up to touch my tummy for just a moment before flying backward, in search of something to lean on so he won’t fall back on his ass. I steer him to the bed and crawl on top of him before breaking the kiss.

“Eren,” he breathes, sounding surprised.

“Tonight,” I say, pulling my shirt off again, over my head in one smooth motion. Levi’s eyes flick over my chest and down to my stomach before coming back up to meet my eyes. “I’m ready. Come on, let’s do it tonight.”

Something tightens in Levi’s jaw as he thinks it over. He’s been stalling all this time, holding me off from going all the way because of the timing or the next day’s training or my age or a headache or or or

“Tonight,” I say again and I kiss any objection away from him. My hands traipse down his arms and onto his hips, lithe and strong underneath me. I sink my thumbs into the soft spot against the inside of his hipbones just he likes it and when he groans I feel a shiver of pride run through me.

“Ok, Eren,” Levi whispers, pushing me off of him a bit so he can roll onto his side. The way he looks at me—honest and open, no heichou, nothing cold, just my Levi—I can’t help but smile. “If you’re ready.”

“I am.” I kiss him again, soft and sweet, letting my nose rub up against his and settle there, eyes closed, when our lips part. “Teach me how you like it.”

“I never liked it.”

 _That_ surprises me. My brow scrunches up and I search his expression for more explanation but he just lays there watching me with a pleasant expression. “But you said that we…” How do I phrase this right? “You said that we did things in the past.”

“And you said that didn’t happen for you yet.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t enjoy it? When we did it? I want to learn how you like it so I can do it right for you when I go there.”

Levi licks his top lip and looks away for a moment. “When we did it, I penetrated you,” he says frankly, looking back into my eyes.

I blink two or three times. “Ok, let’s do it,” I finally say. The idea makes me…nervous, but I can’t let him see that. I can see that he’s just as nervous to do it. Been nervous all month.

Levi sighs. He reaches up his right hand to brush my hair back from my forehead. “You’re a child, Eren. Don’t you see the problem I’m facing here?”

“But I want to do it,” I assure him with a cocky little smile. “Besides, you said ok already so we’re doing this.” I shoot my hand down between his legs and grab playfully at his balls. _Shit._ I realize, running my fingers delicately over his cock. _He’s not even hard. Must be really worried._

As if it’s an apology, he explains, “I don’t want to hurt you, Eren. I don’t want…to accidently take advantage of you somehow. Like—“ His eyes go vacant and he shakes his head. When he speaks again it’s so quiet that I have to stop moving my hand to hear him. “After what happened to me, you know. I don’t want to hurt you, Eren.”

The breath sucks right out of me. How could he even compare those two situations? _Enough is enough of that. Gotta squash it._ I pull him close to me again—as close as can be—until I can feel and hear the beating of his heart inside his chest. “You’re not Kenny. You’re Levi Heichou, and I love you and I want this and I want it with _you!_ ”

And with that my mouth and my hands are on him and over him—down his neck and his chest, our fingers intertwining—until he moves with me, until he moans into the crook of my neck, “Ok, babe.” I trace the tip of my tongue down the line of his abs, stopping to suck at his belly button.

“Tch.”

A soft little laugh comes out of from between my lips and onto his belly. Then my gaze shifts downward. “Can I?” He nods down at me and raises his hips up from the mattress so I can slip his pants down. My hands are trembling a little when I grasp him again—not because I don’t know how this works. I’ve done this a hundred times on myself and Levi’s let me take him in my mouth before, after days of begging. I don’t know why I’m shaking. Maybe because I know where this will end up and that _will_ be new.

I start tentatively. Usually I just swallow him up and try to give him as much pleasure as fast as I possibly can so that he won’t get bored of me, but this time I want to take my time. I want to reassure him in every way that I _want_ this—that I’m not just doing what he wants.   

I lick a slow line up, from the back of his balls to the tip of his cock, hands on his thighs feeling him breath through it. “Mm, you good?”

A nod and an exhale is his answer.

I form a soft circle around the head with my lips and suck gently, letting the silky warmth of the inside of my lips tease him for a bit. At the same time my hand goes to work massaging Levi’s balls. “Shit, Eren,” he says, so I take him into my mouth fully and listen to the words change into a deep groan of pleasure. He’s hard as a rock by now.

“Yeah, there you go,” I encourage him, giving him a lippy little nip. I’ve gotten good at giving head over the past few weeks. He taught me well. I suck at him harder, bobbing my head up and down in a twisting motion along his length, just how he likes, making sure to keep my lips firm. He’s thick but not terribly long and I almost never gag on his length. And if he does get into the back of my throat, I have to be careful not to gag by accident—he hates that. Reminds him of Kenny—I’d bet—though he hasn’t said so out loud to me.

Another groan from Levi and I’m hard and throbbing painfully in my trousers. I raise my head up, letting his length slip out of my mouth. Before I get up, I plant another kiss on the tip. I know I must be flushed with need by now because my whole body is hot and desperate for him. That look in his eyes, the sexy haze of pleasure that comes on over his normally stoic countenance—it’s perfection. “Heichou, will you touch me? Please?”

Levi props himself up on an elbow and bends forward to meet me. He kisses me again, gently massaging my tongue with his own before pressing his lips closed again. My eyebrows raise in surprise. He normally doesn’t kiss me after I go down on him.

I feel his hand before I notice the movement of his shoulder. His thin fingers always feel amazing, touching me just right, making the world get small until there’s nothing left but his eyes watching me—even through my clothing.  

“You’re really hard,” he says. Obvious.

“I’ve been hard for awhile.”

“Before you came over?”

“A bit.”

He’s kissing my neck—behind my ear—his hand slips under my waist band and his grabs my throbbing length and starts to stroke it firmly up and down. “Were you hard during training today, brat?”

Levi does something so amazing that I can’t answer him right away. I just shake my head against him and grit back a moan.

“No? But you were thinking about it all day, right? Planning that ridiculous entrance.”

“Ahhh, yeah,” I manage, trembling into his hand. His lips are pulling on my earlobe. “Been wanting this for a month, now. You know that.” His thumb brushes hard over the head of my cock and I can’t contain that moan anymore. “You’ve kept me waiting a long time, asshole,” I say, nearly beaming as the pleasure starts to completely take over.

With strong hands, Levi gently pushes me down onto the bed, freeing me completely from my pants as he does so. I’m naked, I realize vividly for the first time. I’m completely naked and he’s staring at my body with those eyes.

He’s going to fuck me.

“Levi—“

He raises an eyebrow when I break off and pauses in his ministrations. “Hmm?”

 _It’s fine, Eren, you’re fine._ I assure myself. “Nothing. Keep going.”

He doesn’t buy it. “Are you ok? Did I do something?”

“No, keep going,” I say forcefully, bucking my hips up into his hand. He does as I ask but he watches my face carefully for a moment. It’s only when I moan again that he looks back to what he’s working on. As he bows down to use his mouth, I feel pleasure simply from the anticipation. That Levi Heichou would do this for me…It’s still surreal. And when I really feel him, his hot, sexy mouth—that pouty, mean mouth, snapping out orders at us all day—I melt into the bed.

“Ohhhhh Levi, oh my god.”

He does things that I don’t even understand how to do, not even in theory. I’m seeing stars almost at once. He must know that I’m too close for comfort because he pulls his mouth off and spends a few minutes mouthing at my balls until even that is too much.

I’ve never felt this much pleasure before. Not from any of the times I’ve touched myself. Not even from the times Levi and I had gotten this far before. This is different. I look down my chest with sex-hazy eyes to see Levi Heichou kneeling between my knees, nibbling on his lip as he pulls his head back and smiles at me.

“Good?”

“Yes, oh god, fuck yes.”

I watch him nod. “Ok, babe,” he says for the second time tonight. Yes, tonight’s different. He’s letting go 100% tonight, I can feel it. All of the other times were guarded. This is him. “Can I touch your ass?”

“Yeah.” Yeah. Yes. Do it. I move my leg a bit so I can rub at his erection with my shin. That makes him close his eyes for a second. His hand moves down slowly, fingers ghosting over parts of me that no one has touched before. When his middle finger traces over the tight ring of my asshole, I swallow hard.

The finger touches me more securely now, going round and round in little circles, massaging the area until I relax a little. With his other hand, Levi is back to lightly pumping my cock, just enough to keep me hard.

Suddenly he makes a little face. What? I don’t ask, I don’t say anything, I just wait. After a moment, he wipes the pre-cum from the tip of my cock and carefully smears the sticky moisture onto my little hole. The feeling is odd. I must have shuddered a bit, because he asks again,

“Good?”

“Yeah, I’m ok. Keep going.”

Levi makes the concerned face again and gently but forcefully pushes the tip of his middle finger past my puckered entrance. “Oh,” I gasp, surprised by the feeling. We make eye contact and, oh, how deeply he’s watching my expression for any sign of doubt or change in consent. “Feels weird,” I say, curving the corner of my mouth into a nervous smile.

“Yeah…I don’t have anything to use for you,” he grunts. “Does it hurt?” His face is so open, so prepared for the _“Yes! Stop! Don’t touch me!”_ that he nearly looks like a child again. “Maybe we should wait until another day. I can find something to—“

“Fuck no!” I wriggle myself further down the bed, essentially impaling myself on Levi’s finger. His face twists up in surprise.  _Shit it’s weird._ I can feel just how sensitive and smooth my inner muscles are for the first time—compared to the weathered skin of Levi’s finger inside of me. He wriggles his finger gently, slowly pulling it out and pushing it back in again.

It doesn’t really feel good, but it’s not bad either. The hand that is still moving lazily along the length of my cock is nice and reassuring. I decide to focus on that feeling as the finger slowly works my ring of muscles into relaxation.

And then, just as soon as I’m starting to get used to the feeling, Levi pulls his finger out and takes his other hand away. “Here, turn over,” he says with a light pat on my thigh.

 _What for?_ I reluctantly do as he says, careful not to _appear_ reluctant, and settle back into the bed, lying face down with my arms folded up under my chest.  I dislike this at once. My erection—now painful—is smooshed between my body and the bed, and I feel like an idiot with my bare ass hanging out for Levi to stare at.

His hands are touching my butt cheeks at once, kneading them in firm smooth motions that spread me apart. I stare at the pillow in front of me, eyes wide. “Good?” Levi whispers now. He has leaned down and kisses the small of my back.

I can’t speak, I just nod.

“Oh!” I gasp when I feel it. He has spread me open with his hands and is licking my asshole in long strokes, and then circular ones, and then his tongue—wet and warm—presses into the opening! “Oh.” I don’t know how this feels. It’s too new. With his thumb, Levi pulls my hole open a bit more, allowing his tongue to dig in even deeper.

I didn’t think I liked it, but when he stops for a moment, I realize that I do. “Hump the bed,” he instructs in the more intimate version of his Heichou voice that I get from time to time. A deep red flush takes over my face at the idea. I can feel myself burning up with embarrassment, but I do what he says, slowly rocking my hips into the sheets as he goes back to worshipping my hole. All at once, the feeling gets better.

“Ooo,” I say, a confused little moan but it must encourage him because I feel the point of his chin against my balls when he nods. His thumb pries me open even wider, slipping in deeper alongside the soft flesh of his tongue.

I wish I could see it.

Then again…maybe I would be too embarrassed to handle that.

I keep on humping the bed as he instructed me too, letting the embarrassment pass and instead replacing it with the pleasure that is starting to build up between my legs. His tongue is growing on me, and despite the pinching pain I feel as his thumb goes in as far as it can, it feels pleasant too.

Levi removes his thumb and takes a minute to massage my balls once more before working two fingers into me. “Woah,” I say warily, feeling him wiggle his fingers back and forth, stretching my hole wider and wider.

“Relax,” he says, a sort of kind, quality to his voice that I haven’t heard much before. It’s his middle finger and index finger. Suddenly his middle finger goes in deep and touches something that makes me jolt forward.

“What the—“

“Good?”

I have to think about it…but yeah…”Yeah, good,” I say, surprised. That felt really good. He does the motion again and my mouth falls open in shock. It’s _amazing_.

Levi chuckles softly behind me, his other hand rubbing my thigh. “There’s a spot in there that feels good. I’m glad I found it so fast.” And now that he found it he doesn’t let up, his middle finger keeps on rubbing at the spot while he works his ring finger into me as well. It’s a stretch and I have to grit my teeth for a moment—more at the oddness of it than the pain.

“Still feel good?” Heichou asks, leaning down over me until I can feel his naked form against most of my body. His fingers keep on working me open, and his erection presses into crook of my ass and my thigh.

My breaths turn shaky. This is fast. This is new. I crane my neck to look at his face and find him watching me expectantly. “Yeah, feels good.” I’m normally more of a talker, I realize, but it’s hard to speak now. I smile instead and close my eyes when he brings his other hand up to caress my face.

“Still want to do this?”

I have to think about it for a moment, but not for too long. _Of course I want it. I’m ready._ Just because I’m nervous doesn’t mean I’m not ready. “Yes, Levi, I’m ready. I’ve been ready for so long now,” I breathe. “I love you,” I say, groaning deep as his finger strokes the spot more firmly than before. “I love you so much, all I want is you.”

“You have me, Eren,” he says, and I hear the smile in his voice for once. He slips back off of me and takes his fingers out. “Roll back over, babe.” I obey, rolling onto my back. My erection stands up, angry and red against my stomach. Levi bends to give it one last good pull before he grabs his own cock. It takes him a moment to line things up, and I can feel my heart chugging madly with the anticipation. The blunt, spongey head of his penis presses up against my loosened hole, but he doesn’t push it in.

Instead, he bends over on all fours to kiss me again. “Good?” he asks when we part. Long strands of straight black hair tickle my forehead.

“Good. Go for it.”

He penetrates me in one slow, smooth motion. The stretch is shocking. I can’t breathe, I can’t think. The only thing in existence is the thick, hard cock that is pulsating _inside_ of my body. My expression must be terrible because Levi bows his head down, his forehead falling on top of mine.

“Fuck…” he groans long and slow. “Shit, sorry.”

“I…I’m fine,” I choke out. _Holy fuck._ I didn’t think he was all that big before, but he feels absolutely massive inside of me. It’s an impossible stretch, every breath is a challenge.

I hear him whispering over me, “Try to relax. It’ll get better.”

I nod absently, trying to focus on inhaling. It’s hard, but it happens. _Relax, relax_ , I tell myself.

“Can I move a little?” Levi asks. But then, with an audible wince, “Damn, Eren, relax. You’re squeezing the shit out of me.”

“Fuck, sorry.” I’m trying desperately to relax but I don’t know how to control those muscles—not like this. It _hurts._ I’m hurting him, too. _Shit._ _He’s inside of me_.

“Eren.”

I’m fucking this up. He’s being gentle, he’s doing it right, we took our time. And I’m fucking it all up because I can’t relax. _Calm the fuck down, Eren!_ Why does it hurt so bad? Oh my god, oh my god. Shit.

“Babe.” Levi’s sharp tone snaps me back to what is before me: him, naked, his thin, muscular arms holding me close, his pale, sweaty body pressed into mine. And his face, touching me, kissing me, saying, “Kiss me, kiss me, Eren, you’re ok.”

I do. I kiss him so long that I almost forget the intrusion into my body. He lets me go on kissing him as long as I like for once, and when I finally stop he says, “We can still wait if you want. I can stop.”

“No,” I whisper into his hair. I’m more relaxed now. I can do this. “I’m ok, now. Just…go slow.”

He doesn’t do me the disservice of asking a second time, he just nods and says, “I’m going to move now.”

I brace my hands against Levi’s chest as he begins to pull out. It’s terrible. A strange scraping feeling that makes me a little nauseous. “Hang in there,” he says encouragingly, reaching down to touch my cock again. I had gone almost completely soft at the initial shock of penetration, but before long he’s got my erection back and it’s starting to get better, just like he said.

I don’t know what to say or how to feel yet, so I ask him a little weakly, “How is it?”

“Tch,” he huffs out flicking me a quick glance before realizing that I’m serious. “Shit, Eren. It’s—“ He shakes his head. “You feel fucking amazing, babe. It’s been so long,” he groans, fucking into me a little harder than before as the pleasure starts to take him over. I grit back a noise of pain. Despite his constant attention to my erection, I’m still hurting pretty bad. “Gotta find it again,” he says, starting to change angles. When I buck up and cry out in pleasure, he smirks at me and I go crimson. “ _There_ you go.”

The head of his cock is so much thicker than the tip of his finger was. Another hard grind against my prostate and my eyes roll back into my head. “Oooooo Levi, fuuuck.” His hand goes to work even harder on my cock, now fully hard and throbbing. The mixture of both pleasures has my head spinning in a matter of seconds.

I can feel myself falling apart stitch by stitch, become putty for him with each and every thrust. I see him watching my waist with a hungry expression, and realize that I’m fucking back onto him. I don’t care. I can’t think. I’ve never felt anything like this before.

“Go ahead and cum. I’m close,” Levi grits, picking up the pace even more.

My hands are grasping, searching for anything to hold onto. They land on his biceps and I squeeze down hard, gasping with every thrust as my hips bounce wildly off of Levi’s pelvic bone. All it takes is one flick of his thumb over the tip of my penis and I’m cuming into his hand with a muffled cry, burying my mouth in the muscle of my shoulder to keep from being discovered by anyone else in the castle. A second later Levi pulls out of me and spurts hot, white fluid all across the heaving flat of my stomach.

We’re both out of breath when he collapses into bed against my side.

Neither one of us speaks for a long time. The only sounds are those of our breathing returning back to normal. My asshole feels funny—sort of stretched out. I wonder, somewhere off in the back of my mind, if it’ll go back to normal.

After several minutes, once I’m snuggled up into the spaces of Levi’s body, he asks one final time, “Good?”

“Amazing,” I breathe out against his neck. With my eyes closed, it feels like I’m floating.

“Everything you hoped it would be?”

“Much more.”

It’s my final, settling, contented sigh minutes later that must give me away, because Levi says, “Don’t be falling asleep yet, brat. We have to clean up first.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not always easy...

I wake up sore, which shocks me. It’s a disturbing realization that given my healing abilities I would still be in some pain. And he had been so careful! How terrible must it have been for Levi, then? The thought makes me a little sick, so I close my eyes again. No wonder he says he never liked it.

“Finally awake,” Levi grumbles at me as soon as my eyelids flutter again. He’s not next to me in bed. No, he’s already up, standing half way across the room, dressed and ready to start the day.

“What time is it?” I ask, slowly getting up.

“Time for you to go back to your room,” he says bluntly as he fiddles with his cravat in the small mirror on his dresser.  “People will be up soon.”

I can’t hold back a little groan as I get out of bed. Levi glances at me in the mirror, a bit of veiled concern in his otherwise irritated expression, but nothing even close to the amount of care and concern he had displayed for me last night. The hard wood floor is chilly on my feet and I shuffle across the room, slower than I would usually move at his command. At least I don’t have to go around picking up all my clothes now. We had redressed last night before falling asleep—just in case some emergency should happen at the castle in the middle of the night, Levi didn’t want us to “get rushed out of bed with our asses hanging out.”

Just as I’m about to leave, I hear Levi say softly from his place in the mirror, “I’ll go easy on you today. No shifting, no flying. Don’t worry.” 

The small smile that crosses my lips as I go is enough to warm my entire body.

* * *

 

He keeps his promise and we go over formations and battle strategies on the chalk board for most of the day. It’s a kindness that I honestly hadn’t expected from him, considering how hell-bent he was on giving me a hard time in front of my peers to keep any suspicions at bay. Besides, with my healing abilities I would be alright to do just about anything.

“You look tired, Eren,” Mikasa tells me during our lunch break. “You’re not getting enough sleep, are you?”

“I’m not that tired. Not any more than the rest of you.”

“No, she’s right, Eren. You look awful,” Jean butts in. He gives Mikasa a significant look that she hardly notices. “You really do look exhausted.”

I look back and forth between them, shaking my head a bit while I take another bite of bread. Jean’s mock concern is just as annoying as Mikasa’s constant badgering. We’ve had this talk every day since she arrived. I know that her concern stems from a deep and genuine care for my wellbeing, but I have things well under control. What can I say to get her to lay off the subject? “I’ve been here longer than you guys,” I finally venture with a shrug. “The Survey Corp is intense. It takes a toll. You’ll get on my level soon enough.” I give a playful smile, trying to keep the comment light hearted, but Mikasa frowns even deeper into her bowl of stew.

“I wonder why Commander Erwin didn’t teach today,” Armin says, trying to change the subject for me. I shoot him a thankful smile, but almost immediately want to take it back as he goes on, saying, “The Lance Corporal doesn’t seem qualified in that area.”

“Ehh, the commander doesn’t have time for us,” Connie says off-handedly.

“He’s got plenty of time for Eren!” Jean complains, referring to my frequent meetings with the higher-ups.

“That’s what I’m talking about, Eren,” Mikasa picks up, pointing her spoon in my direction. “They expect way too much of you! You can talk around it all you want, but we all know that Commander Erwin and Levi Heichou are taking advantage of you. It’s not healthy. They’re not considering your well-being.”

“I’ll be honest, I’ve been a little concerned too, Eren. I know that Heichou gives you time to recover, but your regenerative abilities only go so far, right? Not to mention the psychological toll that all of this must take on you,” Armin is saying, his thin hand on my forearm.

My mouth is hanging open, I realize. “I…” I’m not sure what they’re talking about anymore, my professional relationship with the officers or my personal relationship with Levi? I can feel how red I am and I don’t want to say the wrong thing…

“Oi, Eren.”

 _Thank god!_ It’s like magic—he’s always there to rescue me from these awful conversations. But my relief is short lived as I realize he might actually be angry that this conversation is even happening.

“What’s the matter with you?” he snaps at me. “You’re as red as a tomato.”

“Heichou!” Mikasa says, standing up quickly. “Eren is very tired, he needs to rest.”

He looks at her with just his eyes, his head still facing me. “I’m sorry?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I’ve known Eren for my whole life, really, and I can tell that he is not ok. He needs more rest and more time to recover.”

_Oh my god, what is she saying? I can’t believe she’s saying this to him. He’s gonna kill me._

She doesn’t stop; she just keeps on talking. “Eren is very sensitive, he—“

“Sensitive?”

“Yes, sir! He’s not a monster, he’s a human being—a boy! And he needs to be treated like one.”

“Are you suggesting that I don’t treat Eren like a human being?” Levi repeats, so cold and monotone that the whole room of soldiers must stop to listen.

If Mikasa is intimidated by him, I certainly can’t tell, because she carries on only a bit more respectfully. “No, sir. What I mean to say is that some of the situations I’ve witnessed in the past weeks make me feel concerned about Eren’s wellbeing. From my perspective, it appears as though you treat Eren differently from the rest of the new soldiers.”

“Eren _is_ different than the other soldiers. He’s a goddamn _Titan_ in case you haven’t noticed,” Levi snaps and my gaze instantly falls into my lap. “Now why don’t you work on your observation skills and leave Eren’s care to me. Or did you forget that he was put in my custody, Ackerman?”

They must be staring each other down, because the moment of silence that follows Levi’s harsh words feel like ages. Finally, with veiled fury in her breath, Mikasa acquiesces. “Yes, Heichou.”

He says nothing to me. Not a word, not a glance, he just walks away and I can feel my heart in the pit of my stomach. Armin is stiff as a board next to me, clearly terrified for Mikasa’s sake. “I can’t believe you said that!” he hisses at her once Levi is well out of ear shot.

“Eren’s ‘care,’” Mikasa scoffs, fury radiating from her. “He doesn’t care about Eren at all. I can’t stand him.” A quick glance up at her and I see her dark eyes, narrowed into menacing slits—her disdain for my lover as evident as the black hair on her head.

No one talks much the rest of lunch. I pick at my stew and bread but can’t finish. My appetite is long gone. 

 

* * *

 

By evening I’ve replayed Levi and Mikasa’s words thousands of times in my mind and the sick feeling just won’t go away. I must look truly grim because at dinner Levi pulls me aside by the arm and drags me into a corner of the room. “What’s the matter?” he half-demands. 

“Nothing,” I say, trying to walk away and return to our normal routine of ‘ignore each other in public,’ but he snatches my arm up again and holds me in front of him. The crease of worry in his brow surprises me, so I soften. “I’m upset. I’m fine,” I say, meeting his gaze for the first time all day.

“Are you still in pain?”

“What—Oh, no! No, I’m totally normal now.”

“Then what?”

I shake my head, at a loss. How can I start talking about how he hurt my feelings by calling my a “goddamn titan” or that I feel less secure about our relationship after Mikasa’s rantings and his particular level of coldness this afternoon? These aren’t things that we can talk about in the mess hall, nor are they things that I really want to discuss _at all_ since any little change in emotion might cause Levi to rescind his physical affection for me permanently!

“Really, it’s nothing,” I finally say, looking down again. “Can I go eat, please, sir?”

He lets go of my arm and mutters, “Yes, go eat. We’ll talk later.” 

I keep my head down as I find my way to our table. Mikasa is already there, watching me like a hawk. “Hi,” I say at once, trying to be normal…trying not to think about the fact that she likely watched our entire exchange.

* * *

 

We don’t end up talking before we fall asleep. Levi is called away for a meeting almost as soon as I get to his room. (I have to hide in the closet when there is a knock at the door.) I don’t remember when I dozed off, but it’s well into the night when I wake up again, Levi finally slipping into bed beside me.

“What was that about?” I ask groggily.

“It was a meeting to discuss some upcoming plans,” Levi whispers, only inches above me. He gently kisses my forehead before laying his head down. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

“It’s ok,” I say.

He yawns—a long drawn out, very un-Heichou-like yawn. “Are you feeling better than earlier, Eren?”

Am I? I don’t know. I’m half asleep and by the tone of his voice I can tell that he’s almost out already. So I say, “Yeah, it was really no big deal,” and snuggle closer to him as we drift off.

* * *

 

 

“What? What’s happening?” I’m gasping, jolting awake and trying to sit up. It’s too dark to see clearly. The last thing I remember was falling asleep after Levi, his arm limp and heavy on my chest. My eyes, adjusting, search through the darkness for him. “Levi?”

He doesn’t answer, but I can hear his breathing now. It’s heavy.

“What’s going on?” I ask, crawling across the bed to where he’s perched at the edge. I reach out to touch his shoulder, but he flinches away, and then,

“Sorry,” he says, the silhouette of his head turning back over his shoulder toward me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

I’m still getting my bearings—trying to process how sweaty he felt and remembering his little shout that woke me up. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbles. He has already steadied his breathing and is climbing past me to get back under the covers as if nothing happened.

“Nightmare?”

“Mmm,” is the only response he offers. I sling my arm back over his side and start to relax back into a sleep state. After about ten minutes of stillness, he rolls over to face me and I see that he’s still wide awake. “Eren.”

“Hmm?” I urge myself back into full consciousness. The heavy look of discomfort and concern on his face is unsettling to me.

“You never hide when you go back into my past, do you?”

That’s an odd question. I’m not sure if I know what he means. “Uh…no, I don’t think so.”

“If you were there—at some point in my life—I would know that you were there. Right? You wouldn’t hide?”

“Yeah, you would know,” I say. _Why is he asking me this?_ I wonder, but I don't press him. 

He falls back asleep infuriatingly quickly—Levi, who struggles from insomnia, falls asleep over and over again on the day that I just want to talk to him. Today just isn’t our day. I try to justify his exhaustion: He’s under a lot of stress between his job—his very crucial role in the fate of humanity—and the stress of our secret relationship. Plus whatever this nightmare was about—who knows if it’s reoccurring or not, I wouldn’t doubt it considering his past.

His past. He doesn’t want me to hide when I go into the past.

So…He wants to know for sure what I’ve seen and what is private.  He’s afraid I know something that he isn’t aware is a shared memory.

I fall asleep considering the possible reasons for this fear and wake feeling unrested.  Levi, too, despite falling asleep quickly seems to awake exhausted. He has dark circles under his eyes and a frown on his mouth before he’s even out of bed.

He rubs his left eye with the back of his hand and grumbles, “Back to maneuver training today.”

“Ok.”

“Hopefully no meetings tonight.”

“Yeah,” I say, slowly getting out of bed as I rub a hand through my messy hair. I’m so focused on getting up and trying to fix my hair and the bed sheets that I don’t notice how he rounded the bed to come stand next to me until he touches my arm.

“Oi,” he says, making me look at him. There’s a smile on his thin, handsome face—such a kind smile, albeit a tired one—I blush, feeling silly for all of the negativity I was feeling yesterday. “Let’s talk later. I know you’re upset, and I’m sorry—whatever it is.” He kisses me soft and sweet, his hands gripping my back as his arms wrap tightly around me. I hold him, too, breathing out a long sigh. _I love you._

Suddenly, there is another knock on the door.

Levi stiffens at once. Quickly drawing back from me and giving me an apologetic ‘closet, please!” look, he goes to the door as I quietly go into hiding. I make sure not to jingle the wire hangers as I duck down in between his nicely pressed white shirts.

“Yes?” Levi’s voice says after the sound of the door opening.

“I need to see you.” It’s Erwin.

“Ok, I’ll come by your office during their lunch break.”

“No, now. Cancel your maneuvers.”

My heart rate picks up. _What’s going on?_ Levi is silent for a moment. I think that he must have made some nonverbal sign of agreement and is preparing to leave with Erwin, but I realize I’m wrong when the commander speaks again, harsher than before. “ _Cancel them_.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my lovely new Beta reader, Dember! 
> 
> Hang in there guys <3

Levi follows Commander Erwin out of the room, leaving me behind in his closet. I’ve been holding my breath this whole time—I realize—and as soon as I take that first shaky breath the worry rushes into my guts with lighting intensity.

 _What the hell was that all about?_ The tone Erwin used with Levi was unlike anything I’ve heard from him before. Something serious is happening. My mind leaps all over the place: Could it be that the Armored or Colossal have reappeared? Could there be trouble with the Military Police again? Maybe they’re after me for some reason. What could I have possibly done?

Or maybe it’s something worse. Maybe it’s about _us._

 _No, Eren, don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way that anyone knows about us,_ I try to assure myself, slipping out from my hiding spot among Levi’s clothes and stepping back into the light of his bedroom—now eerily empty and strange. I hover at the door, pressing my ear to the wood for a few moments until I’m sure that no one is in the hallway nearby before slipping out.

By the time I make it to the mess hall for breakfast, everyone has already been notified about the cancellation of our morning maneuvers. My friends are scattered around the room—Armin bent over a notepad with Connie, trying to explain one of the maneuver strategies to him through what looks to be a hand drawn diagram, Sasha devouring her plate with her usual intensity, Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie talking quietly amongst themselves—everyone going about their lives as usual. That makes the nervous ball of energy that twitches in my stomach feel even more uncalled for, so I heave out an anxious exhale and try to relax, walking further into the room.

Mikasa looks up when I walk through the threshold. She smiles at me very slightly and waves me over.

“How did you sleep, Eren?” she asks the exact second that my butt touches the hard wooden bench beside her. There is something unusual in her voice and the nerves start moving in me once again. I give her a sidelong glance and see that she is watching me intently, her deep brown eyes sparkling with something not quite friendly.

Swallowing hard, “Fine. You?”                                                                                  

“Fine,” is her immediate reply, and she goes back to eating.

We pass the rest of the meal in silence. I try not to let the nerves in my stomach keep me from eating, but the fact that something serious is going on and no one seems to know about it is a strange and alienating experience. For a second, I almost wish that I hadn’t been with Levi this morning when Erwin had come—then I wouldn’t have to worry about this—whatever it is. But then again, if no one had been alerted to any danger, then the problem must be some sort of internal affair…

Between that realization and the fact that Levi and Erwin never make it to breakfast despite Hange being here, I start to fear the worst. The fluttering ball in my guts turns into a lead weight, cold as ice.

As the others are cleaning up and leaving the mess hall, I am sitting at my bench trying not picture Levi standing before Erwin in his office right now. What must he be saying? What is he thinking? I can see it almost vividly in my mind’s eye, like a nightmarish daydream—Levi’s cold and metered exterior having to fight with its entirety not to react to Erwin’s accusations. The words he said to me over and over, his fears all coming to life: _“I’m fucking ruined, Eren. This is the worst possible scenario…”_

“Eren?”

What? My head pops up from where it had fallen, buried in my arms on the table. When did it get there? It’s Hange-san standing above me, just across the table, her expression openly consumed with worry and pity. “Oi, Eren~” she comes again, leaning in and quieting her tinny voice in some attempt at privacy. “What’s going on?! You should tell me, maybe I can help.” She shakes her head to herself and goes on, not giving me any chance to reply although I probably wouldn’t have. “Erwin looked really mean this morning—really intense! He wants to see you now.”

It must be pathetically obvious in my face when my heart drops to my feet, because Hange has rounded the table and her arm is around me in a second, helping me up from the bench and coaxing me down the hall toward the commander’s office. “Don’t worry, don’t worry,” she’s chanting in a voice so hushed that I can hardly believe she manages it. “Erwin’s not a bad man, Eren. Everything will be fine! Although…he did look really miffed this morning. I’m dying to know what’s going on. What did you do?”

What _did_ I do? What did I do wrong? How could anyone have known about us? Where did I fuck up? I have no idea and it makes me angry all at once. I can feel my shoulders roll up as tension takes me over, even under Hange’s hands, and she goes straight back to saying, “Don’t worry, don’t worry.”

And then there’s Erwin’s door in front of me. I just stand there quivering a bit, my fists miserable and tight, knuckles white. Vaguely, muffled, I hear Levi’s voice low and tense from inside. I don’t reach up to knock—I want to know for sure what I’m walking into—but after a moment or two Hange’s arm reaches around my neck to knock for me, and instantly the conversation from inside ceases.

“Good luck!” Hange whispers to me, the quietest yet, and then she scampers away, glancing back over her shoulder as she goes.

I look back to the door at the same moment that Erwin opens it. Thick saliva doesn’t go down my throat properly when I swallow and I feel myself nearly choke. The commander is huge—his wide frame taking up the entire doorframe so that I can’t see into the room behind him. “Eren,” he says, not as vicious toward me as I remember his tone with Levi had been earlier, “Please come in.” He steps backward to let me through. My eyes search for Levi and nothing else as I tentatively enter the office. Where is he? My breath sits stagnant in my chest—I need to see him more than I need to breathe right now. He is not near Erwin’s desk, not sitting in the chairs in front of it…

At last, I find him leaning stiffly against the back wall near the corner—having been completely invisible to me from the door. His lean arms are folded tightly over his chest and when our eyes meet, just for a split second, I know all at once that this is exactly what I feared.

“Please sit down, Eren,” Commander Erwin says from directly behind me as he closes the door. He means the chairs in front of his desk. The ones Levi isn’t sitting in. I want to go stand next to him! He’s been alone in here for an hour now. How am I supposed to come in here and float half a room away from him?

“Sit down, brat,” Levi grits out. I don’t think he even opened his mouth.

My legs move to sit in the chair on autopilot. I stare at Erwin’s desk—still empty as he slowly paces across the office toward it. Papers, files, neat stacks of books and diagrams and letters: Order. Erwin finally sits.

A tight sigh. “Eren, I want you to tell me what’s going on between you and Lance Corporal Levi.”

 _No…_ What am I supposed to say? A flaming panic lights up in my chest, making breath impossible let alone speech. I look back over my shoulder at Levi, standing behind me and to the left. _What does he know already?_ I implore him telepathically. _What did you say? What should I say?!_ But if Levi gives me any hint in his expression I am blind to it.

“Eren? Answer the question.”

Swallowing hard and turning back to face the commander, I attempt to keep my voice as normal as I can, “I don’t think I understand the question, sir. Levi Heichou is my commanding officer…what?...what are you referring to?”

Thick blonde eyebrows dip down to cover Erwin’s eyelids. “So you wouldn’t say that the two of you have been engaging in any sort of relationship outside of your professional, military roles?”

 

“…No?”

I realize that my pause is too long after it’s already too late. Erwin’s sigh is heavy and he looks past me to Levi. _Shit._  

Levi is shifting his stance behind me, trying to hide his discomfort as well as he can—which, as always, is nearly flawless—but I know him and I can see it in the wrinkle that forms in his top lip, in the way he looks off to the side for a moment before meeting Erwin’s eyes, in the way he specifically avoids my gaze, in the way his right heel hovers by the wall instead of planting itself firmly on the ground: There’s nowhere left to hide.

“I can run a full fucking internal investigation if that’s what you want, Levi,” Erwin snaps and I almost jump in my chair.

A definite, “No,” from Levi and I can’t move. I’m stuck in this stupid half-turned position in my chair, my body frozen in fear and _fuck, how does he_ know _?!_ It has to be my fault, somehow, because Levi would never fuck up badly enough to get caught.

_What did I do wrong?!_

“No,” Levi says again, and it’s so small.

“Is it sexual?”

“No,” from Levi, louder. But when Erwin looks at me and finds me redder than a tomato he hangs his head, disgust positively radiating off of him.

“My god, Levi, you’re a goddamn officer!” he hisses down at his desk.

“I said, _no_ , Erwin.”

“He spent the night in your room! He’s sitting here blushing like a fucking school girl—trying not to get her pedophiliac teacher in trouble!”

I’m seeing sparks—Levi? A pedophile?! I’m sure that just hearing those words has Heichou’s insides churning in disgust—after his childhood, after everything he’s endured. Sure enough, he’s hanging his head a bit, glaring down at the floor. “It’s not like that at all, sir!” I cry in his defense. But then the fact that Erwin knew I spent the night in Levi’s room finally makes its way into my head.

_How…?_

“That’s enough, Eren,” Erwin commands. Against everything in me that wants to fight, I think of what Heichou would want and force myself into silence. “Regardless of how far things have gone, _any_ sort of relationship between the two of you outside of complete professionalism is _completely_ unethical. Which you _fucking_ well know, Levi. I should have you Court Martialed for this.”

There is silence, long and terrible, during which the only thing I hear is my own breathing, heavy and aching against the urge to scream—or cry. Everyone in the room must be thinking the same thing—me in my chair, quivering, Levi frozen against the wall, half looking at Erwin and half looking at the floor, Erwin at his desk, forehead crinkled in thought under his hand—sending Levi to the MP might as well be a death sentence. Not a soul in that section of the military would have an ounce of mercy for the snarky captain who they considered to be Underground filth.  

He’ll be stripped of everything. He’ll be dealt the cruelest of sentences for spite. They’ll be thrilled at the chance to destroy him, I think. _All because of me._

Perhaps reconsidering his earlier thought, Erwin goes on thinking aloud, “The two of you have to be separated. Eren,” He addresses me again, catching me off guard. I know there must be angry tears in my eyes, but I won’t let them fall. “Who do you think is more instrumental to the fate of Humanity? You or Levi?”

My eyes fall shut, completely sick at his question. Through a trembling jaw I answer without even stopping to think, “Levi Heichou.” There is no comparison, not in my mind.

But Levi makes a sharp noise of disagreement behind me. “You can’t send him back to the MP. Not after we just fought so hard to get him here. All of your plans hinge on Eren Jaeger and I’m not letting you throw everything away…took you weeks to get everything set for fucks sake.” Levi growls. He isn’t looking at the floor anymore. He meets Erwin’s gaze steadily, “If you have to get rid of someone over the kid’s crush, then it’s going to be me. That’s fucking obvious.”

“What the hell are we supposed to do without him, sir?” I pick up talking as soon as Levi stops, suddenly feeling frantic. Levi can’t go! He can’t let himself get swept back under—not for me. “He’s Humanity’s Strongest Soldier!” I exclaim valiantly. “My friends and I…we won’t survive without him!”

Erwin is still sitting, leaning his head on his hand. He opens his mouth but says nothing for a long time.

 _You can’t send Heichou away. You can’t._ If he does, I’ll—I’ll fight the decision! I’ll leave the Corp. I’ll—

“Ok,” the commander begins at last, and I could swear that Levi and I both lean in a hair in anticipation. “Here’s what we’ll do. _For now_ , the two of you are to cease contact. Completely _cease_ contact with each other unless absolutely necessary. Levi, you can have your squad take over a significant part of Eren’s monitoring and training. That way we can minimize the contact that you have with him. And when you do interact with one another,” he pauses to look between the two of us before going on, “as I’m sure you’ll frequently have to do in order to maintain normal appearances--you’re to act how you should have been acting all along. Nothing but complete professionalism. This way…” a deep sigh, heavy and long, “no one else has to know about this mess and no internal investigation will be held.”

A shaky exhale of relief comes hissing out of me, full of words I hadn’t really meant to blurt out, “So you won’t have Levi Heichou Court Martialed?”

Erwin’s frown deepens but he concedes anyway, “No. No Court Martial so long as the behavior is finished. And you’re not going to be sent back to the MP right now either. That will all depend on how this upcoming maneuver goes, Eren.” I dare a little smile in his pause. “But,” he goes on, “after these upcoming maneuvers, the two of you will be assigned to separate missions for the foreseeable future. Am I clear?”   

My heart sinks a bit but Levi answers from behind me, “Yes, sir.”

“Now,” Erwin is saying, rising from his desk. His hands press down on the heavy wood as he stands—like this whole big mess has taken some strength out of him. Maybe he’s lost trust in Levi. Maybe he’s lost hope in me…and all because of what? _Because two people fell in love?_ “I want us all to get back to our day and pretend that none of this ever happened. And _if_ —god forbid—I hear any rumors about this around camp, or if I find out that it’s still going on, I _will_ have you sent to court, Levi. You should have known better—you of all people,” Erwin shakes his head at him, bottom lip thrust up a tad. It’s barely noticeable but I catch it—and it makes me start to seethe.

He needs to stop talking down to Levi like that—stop making references to his past like he understands _shit_ about it! Stop threatening him with ruin, stop looking at him like he’s a revolting, unpredictable animal instead of a great soldier and a help to human kind!

I can’t just keep sitting here letting him take this abuse when I’m the one responsible. I’m the one who went back in time and started this whole mess in the first place! I have to say something in Levi’s defense. “Commander Erwin,” I grit out, nearly growling as my anger overwhelms my rational voice.

Levi interrupts me before I can get anything else out. “Erwin, I need to talk to Eren alone for a moment.” His steely grey gaze is on me. A warning look. I bite back my comment but my angry shivering only gets worse as I hold it in.  

“I thought I made myself clear. You’re to cease any unnecessary contact with each other—“

“It’s necessary.”

This doesn’t make Erwin happy—his expression transforming deeper into anger—and for a moment I fear that he’ll change his mind and go back to the idea of the Court Martial.

“I’m still responsible for him, aren’t I?” Levi coaxes him, his tone only _just_ managing to remain flat and emotionless. “He needs to be debriefed or this whole thing is going to blow up into a massive shit storm. Which is the last thing we need right now, considering the upcoming maneuvers.”

They stare at each other for a moment. I nearly want to cry at Levi’s courage—standing still and strong against the wall, fighting for one last chance to talk to me privately, as if he’s still an equal player here and not completely at Erwin’s mercy. _I love him so much._

“Very well,” Erwin gives in at last, looking sick about it but giving in anyway. For old time’s sake? “But rest assured that you won’t be the one holding responsibility for Eren much longer. You have five minutes.”

He turns his back on us and walks out of the office, shutting us in behind himself.

The second he’s gone I charge across the room and into Levi’s waiting arms. They tremble around me—the façade of strength gone, his hands balled into fists, tugging at the back of my jacket. I can feel his chest constricting through pained breaths, strong but shaking against my own. _Oh, Levi…I love him more than anything._ I can’t let them separate us!

“Let’s run,” I whisper into the wispy black hairs on the side of his head. “We have to get out of here. They’ll never let us be close again—or else you’ll be sent back to the capitol and tried—“

“Tch,” He pulls back a bit, leaning his full weight against the wall. “And where would we go?”

I lean my head down and he lets me rest my forehead on his. “Outside of the walls. If anyone could make it out there, it’s us.”  We both know it’s true.

But to my horror, he doesn’t agree. “No, Eren. We can’t do that. Think about the others. Think about your friends.”

“They…” I know I’m stammering, rambling because I’m too upset to speak clearly and we only have five minutes to plan this! “They only joined the military because of me! They’ll be fine, they’ll go back to normal life! And all of the training they’ve had will help them stay safe.”

“What about the rest of the Survey Corp, hmm? They’re counting on you for these upcoming maneuvers,” he says, reaching up thin hands to hold my face. I press my cheek firmly against his palm and try to breathe in the smell of him. I want to hold him forever. Five minutes isn’t enough.

“Erwin will think of something else,” I say.

He squeezes my face tightly and looks deep into my eyes. There is a sad, silent plea his silver orbs, shining so forcefully that I choke on my own emotions and the tears start to fall. “What about your mother, Eren? When we met—in the jail cell—you swore to me that you would destroy all of the Titans. You swore to avenge her. I can’t let you give that up for _us._ Not when you could actually fucking do it.”

My eyes fall shut, squeezing out a few more tears. I slump down against him, letting him take my body weight. _I can’t leave him. Not when I just, finally found him._

“We have jobs to do, Eren,” he tells me, softly, ever so kindly, like speaking to a child. He’s rubbing my back in soft, soothing motions—choosing to focus on comforting me even though he’s close to crying himself. “For now, we do our jobs and we go about doing them the way Erwin wants us to. And then maybe—when our jobs are done—we can be together again.”

I can’t help my miserable sob. There is no comfort in his words! None at all! “What jobs?” I gasp into his shoulder, “You being Humanity’s Strongest Soldier and me being a goddamn Titan? That’s never going to end!”

“I used to think that way—that the Titans could never really be defeated and this war would never end,” he whispers. His fingers come up onto the back of my head and make their way through my messy hair. “But with you around, I think anything is possible.” Levi takes hold of my face again, more gently this time, and lifts me up to look at him. My face must be blotchy red and streaked with tears that I’m not even trying to control anymore, but he hops up on his tiptoes and kisses my forehead anyway. “I swear I’ll fight this war to the end so we can be free to be together.”

That’s a promise, I realize, blinking several times. I don’t think Levi has ever promised me anything before. And I can see it in it eyes: he means it. I let the words repeat in my mind, filling my chest with something other than this aching, hopeless sadness of separation. He’s going to fight. I will too.

“I’m going to learn how to control these powers,” I say steadying my gaze on his and letting my sadness turn into an unstoppable drive. We don’t have to be completely powerless. We can fight!—even if it’s within bounds for now. “And I _promise_ ,” my voice drops to a whisper as I press my lips against the top of his head, “that I won’t ever love anyone the way I love you. It’ll always be you,” I vow.

We both exhale at the same time and I manage to smile a bit, even though I’m broken inside. Levi says, “Alright,” and we separate a bit, not knowing how much time we have left. Levi keeps holding onto my hand, though.

“How did Erwin find out about us? Did he say?” I ask, wiping at my tears with my free hand and glancing at the office door. He’ll be back any moment now, I’m sure of it.

“Yeah.”

The grumpy hesitance in Levi’s voice is odd. I flash him a look of surprise. “What?”

“Your friend Ackerman came to your room to talk to you last night, but you weren’t there. She went searching for you and saw you going into my room instead,” Levi admits with a frown. “Then she came to Erwin about it.”

My mouth drops wide open—and just at that moment, Erwin opens the door.

**Author's Note:**

> Smut to come! Hope you enjoyed~ Please leave comments of what you would like to see happen in the story below and I just might take some ideas <33 addison


End file.
